Are you a dad looking for help?

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Learn this Powerful Approach to Effective Facilitation

Posted by Erik Vecere

I facilitated a 24/7 Dad® training for the Family Resource Center South Atlantic (FRCSA) last January in Raleigh, NC. When I returned a month later to deliver a second training on our InsideOut Dad® program, I was amazed at how proficient they had become facilitating 24/7 Dad® in only a few weeks!

EX-WIVES WHO BECOME PARENTAL ALIENATORS

#StandupforZoraya #SayHerName, Blogs Followed, Family Court Insanity, Fathers' Rights, PAS is Child Abuse, Petitions, Presidential Election

 

Do NOT hurt Zoraya - Facebook.comStandupforZoraya - 2016

WHEN EX-WIVES BECOME ALIENATORS

Guilty until Proven Innocent!

After reading the list, don’t get discouraged when you notice that some of your own behaviors have been alienating your ex-spouse. This is normal in even the best of parents. Instead, let the list help sensitize you to how you are behaving and what you are saying to your children. Here are common mistakes:

To prevent the devastating effects of Parental Alienation, you must begin by recognizing the symptoms of PA. You will notice that many of the symptoms or behaviors focus on the parent. When the child exhibits hatred and vilifies the targeted parent, then the condition becomes parental alienation syndrome. After reading the list, don’t get discouraged when you notice that some of your own behaviors have been alienating. This is normal in even the best of parents. Instead, let the list help sensitize you to how you are behaving and what you are saying to your children.

1. Giving children choices when they really have no choice about visits. Allowing the child to decide for themselves to visit when the court order says there is no choice sets up the child for conflict. The child will usually blame the non-residential parent for not being able to decide to choose whether or not to visit. The parent is now victimized regardless of what happens; not being able to see his children or if they see them, the children are angry. Again, if you do these things intentionally, it make give you a chuckle now knowing you are hurting your ex, but you are truly hurting your child who eventually grows up, learns how things work and turns their back on YOU in turn. In literally 90% of these cases, the parent who causes the problem ends up with the short stick.

2. Telling the child what you want them to think is “everything” about the marital relationship or ‘all’ reasons for the divorce is also alienating behavior. The parent usually argues that they are “just wanting to be honest” with their children. This practice is destructive and painful for the child. The alienating parent’s motive is for the child to think less of the other parent. In reality, the child always looks up to a parent. If that parent lets them down in person, then that parent suffers. If you are doing these things, you are in person and it is a let down. You will suffer eventually for these actions.

3. Refusing to acknowledge that children have property and may want to transport their possessions between residences. Doesn’t matter who bought who what. Once it is given to someone, it is theirs.

4. Resisting or refusing to cooperate by not allowing the other parent access to school or medical records and schedules of extracurricular activities. Telling professionals not to let the other parent have access is going to work against you. These professionals know what you are doing. They may humor you but they know the law. It is not yours to rewrite. So ‘behind’ your back, they will grant legally to the other parent whatever it is they need. Also note, if the opposing parent were so evil you felt they do not deserve access, why are they allowed to walk the street? It will backfire in a big way in time.

5. A parent blaming the other parent for financial problems, breaking up the family, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc. Just like when you hear someone else tell the same tale, the child may not know it yet, but in time, just like when you heard it, they will know you are an excuse maker.

6. Refusing to be flexible with the visitation schedule in order to respond to the child’s needs or other parent’s work schedule. The alienating parent may also schedule the children is so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visits. Of course we all know you do this so when the targeted parent protests you can described them as not caring and selfish. However, the child will eventually wise up that the complaining parent only wants to see them and you were the one conflicting the schedule.

7. Assuming that if a parent had been physically abusive with the other parent, it follows that the parent will eventually assault the child. This assumption is not always true. Sometimes you cause the other parent to dislike you and become abusive. Pretending this is not true does not change the facts.

8. Asking the child to choose one parent over another parent causes the child considerable distress. If you try to sneak in “Well, which of us would you rather be with?” you are looking for trouble. Typically, they do not want to reject either parent, but instead want to avoid the issue. The child, not the parent, should initiate any suggestion for change of residence.

9. Children will always at one time or another become angry with a parent. This is normal, particularly if the parent disciplines or has to say “no”. If for any reason the anger is not allowed to heal, you can suspect parental alienation. Trust your own experience as a parent. Children will forgive and want to be forgiven if given a chance. Be very suspicious when the child calmly says they cannot remember any happy times with you or say anything they like about you. That means someone at home is brainwashing them.

10. Be suspicious when a parent or step-parent raises the question about changing the child’s name. A mother can change her name back to maiden but in the majority of cases where the child is denied the father’s last name, the amount of further alienation is immeasurable. There is no other means that compares to show what is to come if a mother changes or denies the father’s name. It will not get better.

11. When children cannot give reasons for being angry towards a parent or their reasons are very vague without any details. This is because the alienated parent has done nothing to them. The child becomes confused but eventually realizes, it was all brain washing.

12. A parent having secrets, special signals, a private rendezvous, or words with special meanings are very destructive and reinforce an on-going alienation. Act your age before the child out grows you.

13. When a parent uses a child to spy or covertly gather information for the parent’s own use, the child receives a damaging message that demeans the victimized parent. Try this with a teenager and they may just switch homes on you.

14. Parents setting up temptations that interfere with the child’s visitation. Planning vacations or special events or trips to the mall to buy something they always wanted. Making the child late is another common mistake. As a full time parent, you can easily schedule things around the visiting parent. Learn to do so.

15. A parent suggesting or reacting with hurt or sadness to their child having a good time with the other parent will cause the child to withdraw and not communicate. They will frequently feel guilty or conflicted not knowing that it’s “okay” to admit they have fun with their other parent. Just as different breeds of dogs cannot mate, they still get along and realize it’s OK to be different. The faster you do this, the easier the rest of your life will become.

16. The parent asking the child about his/her other parent’s personal life causes the child considerable tension and conflict. Children who are not alienated want to be loyal to both parents. They also do not think of their parents in this light. Putting them there will push them away from you.

17. When parents pretend physically or psychologically rescue the children when there is no threat to their safety. This practice reinforces in the child’s mind the illusion of threat or danger, thereby reinforcing alienation until the child realizes the only fear is that of when you will pull this act again. You will scare them into leaving you.

18. Making demands on the other parent that is contrary to court orders. You are not the law and eventually the law will find out and the law will enforce itself, correct you and cause such embarrassment, it may cost you custody.

19. Listening in on the children’s phone conversation they are having with the other parent. They do not want you listening in when they speak to their friends and you do not. So do you not think they will find it bizarre if you suddenly insist on listening in on this particular conversation?

20. One way to cause your own alienation is making a habit of breaking promises to your children. Especially if they are promises that deter the child from giving affection or time to the other parent. In time, your ex-spouse will get tired of having to make excuses for you and the child will leave the truth.

You may think you know better or are more clever than those who have tried this before you, but trust us, you do not know better nor realize what you are doing.  Don’t believe it? Someone else agrees…..

Inequality Ignored, Does it matter?

Blogs Followed, Family Court Insanity, Fathers' Rights, Presidential Election

Ignoring an Inequality Culprit: Single-Parent Families

project2bfatherhood2bfl2b-2b2015Intellectuals fretting about income disparity are oddly silent regarding the decline of the two-parent family.

An excerpt from this article:

Suppose a scientific conference on cancer prevention never addressed smoking, on the grounds that in a free society you can’t change private behavior, and anyway, maybe the statistical relationships between smoking and cancer are really caused by some other third variable. Wouldn’t some suspect that the scientists who raised these claims were driven by something—ideology, tobacco money—other than science?

Yet in the current discussions about increased inequality, few researchers, fewer reporters, and no one in the executive branch of government directly addresses what seems to be the strongest statistical correlate of inequality in the United States: the rise of single-parent families during the past half century.

The two-parent family has declined rapidly in recent decades. In 1960, more than 76% of African-Americans and nearly 97% of whites were born to married couples. Today the percentage is 30% for blacks and 70% for whites. The out-of-wedlock birthrate for Hispanics surpassed 50% in 2006. This trend, coupled with high divorce rates, means that roughly 25% of American children now live in single-parent homes, twice the percentage in Europe (12%). Roughly a third of American children live apart from their fathers.

Does it matter? Yes, it does. From economist Susan Mayer’s 1997 book “What Money Can’t Buy” to Charles Murray’s “Coming Apart” in 2012, clear-eyed studies of the modern family affirm the conventional wisdom that two parents work better than one.

“Americans have always thought that growing up with only one parent is bad for children,” Ms. Mayer wrote. “The rapid spread of single-parent families over the past generation does not seem to have altered this consensus much.”

In an essay for the Institute for Family Studies last December, called “Even for Rich Kids, Marriage Matters,” University of Virginia sociologist W. Bradford Wilcox reported that children in high-income households who experienced family breakups don’t fare as well emotionally, psychologically, educationally or, in the end, economically as their two-parent-family peers.

Abuse, behavioral problems and psychological issues of all kinds, such as developmental behavior problems or concentration issues, are less common for children of married couples than for cohabiting or single parents, according to a 2003 Centers for Disease Control study of children’s health. The causal pathways are about as clear as those from smoking to cancer.ab432-miami2bdemo91

More than 20% of children in single-parent families live in poverty long-term, compared with 2% of those raised in two-parent families, according to education-policy analyst Mitch Pearlstein’s 2011 book “From Family Collapse to America’s Decline.” The poverty rate would be 25% lower if today’s family structure resembled that of 1970, according to the 2009 report “Creating an Opportunity Society” from Brookings Institution analysts Ron Haskins and Isabel Sawhill. A 2006 article in the journal Demography by Penn State sociologist Molly Martin estimates that 41% of the economic inequality created between 1976-2000 was the result of changed family structure.

Earlier this year, a team of researchers led by Harvard economist Raj Chetty reported that communities with a high percentage of single-parent families are less likely to experience upward mobility. The researchers’ report—”Where Is the Land of Opportunity?”—received considerable media attention. Yet mainstream news outlets tended to ignore the study’s message about family structure, focusing instead on variables with far less statistical impact, such as residential segregation.

In the past four years, our two academic professional organizations—the American Political Science Association and the American Educational Research Association—have each dedicated annual meetings to inequality, with numerous papers and speeches denouncing free markets, the decline of unions, and “neoliberalism” generally as exacerbating economic inequality. Yet our searches of the groups’ conference websites fail to turn up a single paper or panel addressing the effects of family change on inequality.

Why isn’t this matter at the center of policy discussions?

Family Law Reform - 2016

Hold Family Courts Accountable

#StandupforZoraya #SayHerName, Blogs Followed, Family Court Insanity, Fathers' Rights, PAS is Child Abuse, Petitions, Presidential Election

…is a psychic injury, not a mental illness.

DR KAREN HUFFNER - AUTHOR - LEGAL ABUSE SYNDROMELegal Abuse Syndrome (LAS), a condition proposed by marriage and family therapist Karin P. Huffer, whose books on the subject of post-traumatic stress stemming from court-mediated violations are   Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome(1995) and Legal Abuse Syndrome: 8 Steps for Avoiding the Traumatic Stress Caused by the Justice System(2013).

“Develops in individuals assaulted by ethical violations, legal abuses, betrayals, and fraud” and that’s exacerbated by “abuse of power and authority and a profound lack of accountability in our courts.” ~  Karin P. Huffer

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Never doubt why so many are working so hard to ‪#‎fixfamilycourts‬ Every parent starts out equal but does not remain that way in the So-called family courts.

Once you enter that court you feel nothing but attacked. Your life and decisions are no longer your own. Your children are stripped from the life you thought you were protected to live. People in the family court process step in between you and your child regardless of whether you are for or not.

Some like Chris are left with no hope of ever recovering. What do you do when the court you thought would protect you and your child from vicious attacks on your fundamental rights fails you? Where do you turn when you cannot afford justice and when there is no hope for it?

Let’s make 2016 the year of ‪#‎noexcuses‬ and restore justice and protection in every parent and child’s life. Let’s make 2016 the year of no more lost lives and ‪#‎fizfamilycourts‬ once and for all! ‪#‎neverfear‬‪#‎neverforget‬When a Parent wins in Family Courts KIDS LOSE - 2016

Thomas Fidler  —  December 29, 2015 at 10:36pm · Funny River, AK · 

Exactly two years ago today Chris Mackney took his own life after enduring the horrors of family court as long as he was able.  The ex-wife (Dina Mackney) of Ch… See More29948-torture

Bullied to Death:  Chris Mackney’s Kafkaesque Divorce There is no one way or no best way to tell the story of a man driven by others to…Read More

How Do You Tell This Story?

There is no one way or no best way to tell the story of a man driven by others to take his life. I know, because I have been trying to explain to state leaders, media, and professionals how this is happening to good people who trust our legal system to work to protect them and their children. Challenging doesn’t even touch it. Author Mike Volpe…Read More

Where is the LOVE? …where on Earth.. ….not in Family Court or the hearts of those within the CPS, CYFS, SS. CAS or any other child…Read More

Gary Treistman explains how the Family Court System separated his daughter from him.

Listen to the TRUTH about Family Courts

“The Smoking Gun” …Read More

76. Father’s Open Letter To The Family Courts.

Owen Lucas films his open letter to the court admitting that he is in contempt of court for doing so.

He tells us of his grief and impotence in the face of the family court system.

Owen speaks for so many fathers who find themselves in the palm of ex-partners colluding with a system that in many cases, strips fathers of their homes, their children and their dignity – and often their jobs and financial stability too.

Mothers are given legal aid and fathers are not unless there is already proven child abuse.

In cases where abuse is suspected or even confirmed, a father has no clout to impact the family court system in many cases.

NB. If you know a child is being abused, ensure that a. you take photographs b. you film them speaking of the events and c. you inform the police without delay. These three steps may well be the difference between whether you become alienated from, or the main caregiver to your child/children.

Open Letter to Family Courts  —   YOUTUBE.COM

You are Disgusting - 2016.png

Stand Up For Zoraya

stand up for zoraya causes pic - 2015

The Cause “Stand Up For Zoraya” celebrates the love fathers have for their daughters, inspiring them to embrace the important role they hold in their daughters’ lives and to provide the love, nurture, and emotional support that only they can give. Every once in a while I feel like this blog was written by someone else, maybe a long lost friend,…Read More10943-logo2b2-2b2016

Yesterday I gazed out the window watching fireworks and was really missing my angel but I cannot call her because I am scared of her mom’s false allegations and lies, she doesn’t call me and knowing she is…Read More

WLYB……I have tried to educate this board of 4 Florida Judges (Chief Judge Bertila Soto-11th Jud. Cir. FL, Judge Garber-3rd DCA FL,…Read More

 · Courts must work toward a shared parenting norm – Miami Herald  

Judge Judy on Timesharing - 2016

While it is true our family courts must do more to move toward shared parenting whenever there is a divorce or separation in a family, an old saying…

CHILDRENSRIGHTSFLORIDA.WORDPRESS.COM

Kids Need Fathers NOT Visitors - 2016Family Courts Deny Fit Parent Visitation – Custody

CONTACT DENIAL IS CHILD ABUSE - 2016

July 16, 2015 by Robert Franklin, Esq, Member, National Board of Directors, National Parents Organization This article isn’t new, but…Read More

Studies Show Judicial Bias Against Dads

I write about it because it’s too important not to. The subject is judicial bias in family courts. Now, we’re frequently told that there is no judicial bias on the part…

My opinion on the origin of mental illness is controversial to many in my profession. I maintain that emotional disturbances are…Read More

Preponderance of Evidence and Mental Health Disorders

If You Seek a Bio-chemical Cause for Mental Health Disorders, You will become the “Little Train that Couldn’t” By Linda J. Gottlieb, LMFT, LCSW-r My opinion on the origin of mental illness is controversial to many in my profession. I maintain that emotional disturbances are situationally and not bio-chemically caused. But this position did not…

Letter sent to David Inguanzo on December 24th, 2008. October 5th, 2008 – After spending a “family” day out (Mom, Dad, my son David, and…Read MoreStand up for Zoraya Causes Petition 2015.jpg

CONTACT DENIAL IS CHILD ABUSE - STAND UP FOR ZORAYA - 2016

Judge Manno-Schurr - 11th Jud Cir Miami FL - Family Court#StandupforZoraya

– October 5th, 2008 – feb-3-2015-4-hearing-judge-manno-schurr-miami-dade-county-fl-11th-jud-cir-family-court-judge1
ee2af-family2bcourt2bmafia

Judge Tears Down House of God

NBC 6 South Florida

Overtown church and neighboring crack house to be destroyed. ~ By Todd Wright | Email …

Judge Valerie Manno Schurr appointed Mark Meland as a receiver for a company after finding it in “default” for failing to turn over…Read More

South Florida Lawyers: Can Someone Explain This?

schurr-manno-valerie-jad-1Judge Valerie Manno Schurr appointed Mark Meland as a receiver for a company after finding it in “default” for failing to turn over financial records to South Florida power broker Chris Korge, who is represented by Kendall Coffey. Huh? Was the “default” a discovery sanction?  Did the Judge strike the defendant’s pleadings?  Is that what the…Read MoreCauses - STOP ABSOLUTE DISCRETION AND IMMUNITY OF FAMILY COURT JUDGES - 2015

“Anyone who has ever worked in a legal aid office or law library has met people whose lives have come unhinged after a bad contact with the…Read More

Family Court is Traumatic - 2016

Courthouse Violations and PTSD:My PTSD is NOT Military Related 2- 2016

What Is “Legal Abuse Syndrome”?Family Court causes PTSD - Copy

This is the first post on this blog to introduce Legal Abuse Syndrome (LAS), a condition proposed by marriage and family therapist Karin P. Huffer, whose books on the subject of post-traumatic stress stemming from court-mediated violations are Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome (1995) and Legal Abuse Syndrome: 8 Steps for Avoiding…Read MoreDouble Standards in Family Courts - 2016

Across the country women, children, AND MEN are becoming the victims of judges and the court system. It is time that we take a stand, and…Read MoreRigged Media - 2016

Re-abusing children in court |Stop Abuse Campaign

Judges re-abuse children worse than abusers

When someone hurts us and/or our children, our first reaction is to protect ourselves or to call the police.  We think that as victims that the authorities should be there to help us; that as innocent victims the police, and court system should there for the best interest of the…Read Morea3385-court2bordered2babuse

The death of Christopher Mackney and his suicide note

First Amendment Rights from Beyond the Grave: Defense of a Suicide’s Publication of His Final Words by the Randazza Legal Group.”

The circumstances that conduced to Mr. Mackney’s taking his life are chronicled in a forthcoming book by investigative journalist Michael Volpe, which is titled, Bullied to Death: The Chris Mackney Story.

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Mr. Mom Dads?

Blogs Followed, Family Court Insanity, Fathers' Rights, PAS is Child Abuse, Petitions, Presidential Election

What’s So Bad About ‘Mr. Mom’ Dads?

| RealClearMarkets |dads20diapers

Problem 1: Children who lose contact with their fathers do worse in life.You won't let me be with Zoraya - 2015You are not a single mother - 2016Problem 2: Single mothers who want to work often struggle with the cost of childcare.Project Fatherhood FL 13- 2015Problem 3: Many non-resident fathers are without meaningful work.

cropped-afla-causes-2-2015.pngAll three of these problems are fairly well established in the research literature. Each also motivates a battery of policy responses, with varying degrees of efficacy. In a recent report on poverty and opportunity from a working group convened by Brookings and the American Enterprise Institute, non-resident fathers received some special attention. (I was a member of the group).

eee6f-fatherless2bepidemic2bgraph2b-2b2015The report notes that the Child Support Enforcement Program has become increasingly effective at establishing paternity and levying child support payments. Good: parenting is a responsibility, regardless of the nature of the relationship into which a child is born. But the payments can also be onerous for non-resident parents, who are almost always fathers, ‘functioning as a tax on their earnings’. The accumulation of child support debt is a particular problem – non-resident parents are currently about $53 billion in arrears for child support – and the Brookings/AEI group suggested that these kinds of debts should be forgiven in certain circumstances.

“Failing to expect both parents to support their children is not only unfair, it reduces marriage incentives, increases poverty rates for custodial mothers and children, and is likely to hurt children,” the report concludes. But we should not make the mistake of assuming that support can only come in the form of cash.

Since most non-resident parents are fathers, there is a tendency for policy-makers to see them primarily in terms of their financial obligations, as walking ATMs. Many of these men are in no position to make serious financial contributions: 41 percent of poor non-resident fathers have been out of paid work for at least a year, according to a recent study conducted by the Urban Institute. Meanwhile, working single mothers are also struggling. Forty percent of those working said that child care costs led them to change jobs or hours worked, according to a recent survey.

True or False? “Parental Alienation is a tactical ploy used by attorneys whose clients (primarily fathers) are seeking custody of their children.”

#StandupforZoraya #SayHerName, Family Court Insanity, Fathers' Rights, PAS is Child Abuse, Petitions, Presidential Election

Missing Years of My Daughter Life by Parental Alienation - 20151) FALSE STATEMENT:  Proponents of PAS, predominantly right-wingfathers’ rights” groups, have been trying for years to force legitimacy upon this unfounded theory

TRUTH*** Women’s Groups and Father’s Groups are working towards the inclusion of Parental Alienation.  It is gender-neutral.

fam law scandal - 2016

2) FALSE STATEMENT:  PAS is a tactical ploy used by attorneys whose clients (primarily fathers) are seeking custody of their children.

TRUTH*** Although PAS could, at any time, be used as a ploy by either parent.  However, if Judges, Parental Coordinators, and Guardian Ad Litems, etc., are educated about Parental Alienation then this won’t be a concern (or at least any more of a concern than any other false accusation that either parent could make.  By remaining ignorant to the issues that both Mothers and Fathers face, the court system is failing families.  Gardner outlined the 8 manifestations of Parental Alienation, and many other researchers have backed up his theory.  In cases of actual abuse, Parental Alienation can not be considered a factor!

3) FALSE STATEMENT: A protective parent who accuses her/his ex-spouse of harming their child(ren) is deemed mentally ill — solely by virtue of the accusation.

TRUTH*** Parental Alienation Syndrome, or Parental Alienation Disorder in no way suggests that the parent who accuses his/her ex-spouse of harming the children is deemed mentally ill-solely by virtue of the accusation.  NOW would like you to believe this, but it is outright false.  Parental Alienation is the act of the parent alienating the child, however PAS/PAS describes when the child has succumbed to the effects of Parental Alienation.

Alienated Daddy - 20154) FALSE STATEMENT: Ludicrously, the PAS theory holds that the protective parent and child can only be “cured” of their “disease” by being totally separated.

TRUTH*** Again, NOW would like to have you believe this is the truth.  The goal is to recognize that children need to have a relationship with both parents.  CHILDREN NEED BOTH PARENTS.

c79ef-who2bdo2bwe2bblame2b-2bmessage2bfrom2bpaoo2b-2b20155) FALSE STATEMENT:  …Children may go through a phase of “splitting” their parents, lavishing love on one and anger toward the other. Responsible research has shown these phases to be temporary.

TRUTH*** In normal divorces, children may go through a temporary phase of uncertainty, however in cases where Parental Alienation exists the children’s alienation could potentially be lifelong.  I’ve heard parents tell me their children were alienated anywhere from 5-45+ years.

6) FALSE STATEMENT: No valid, empirical evidence exists for such a mental disorder (PAS)

TRUTH*** As stated by Linda J. Gottlieb, LMFT: “IT IS JUNK SCIENCE TO STATE THAT THE PAS IS JUNK SCIENCE! To cite a mere few references which reject the PAS is to overlook the preponderance of scientific support and evidence from the practices world-wide of mental health and matrimonial practitioners. The support for the PAS is well-documented by (Baker, 2007; Barden, 2006; Gottlieb, 2012; Kopetski, 2006; Lorandos, 2006; Lowenstein, 2006; Sauber, 2006; Steinberger, 2006; Warshak, 2001, 2006, 2010; just to cite a fraction.)”

Right to be a parent maliciously prevented with the help of hired racketeering rings Family Law…

Capable and loving father Charlie Mercieca longing for his children and Justice as many other capable and loving parents longing for the right to be a parent to… BRAINSYNTAX.COM|BY CHARLIE MERCIECA

ARTICLE ~ Mothers, Children at Risk as Fathers’ Rights Groups Seek Legitimacy for Phony Mental “Disorder”

Denial of reasonable access to your own kids is child abuse

#StandupforZoraya #SayHerName, Blogs Followed, Family Court Insanity, Fathers' Rights, PAS is Child Abuse, Petitions, Presidential Election

Child Abuse and the Role of Parental Denial

I recently had the opportunity of revisiting a question that I have struggled to find answers to for many years. The question is, why, in the face of a parent sexually, physically or verbally abusing a child, does the other parent remain silent?

Do NOT hurt Zoraya - Facebook.comStandupforZoraya - 2016This is a phenomenon I have been aware of in countless numbers of cases reported to me by patients who are now adult and clearly recall not only the abuse but the fact that the other parent offered no safety.

The question others have asked me and that I ask myself is, how or why would a parent remain silent in the face of children being abused. Here a few hypotheses.

1. Denial is a powerful and primitive defense mechanism. Someone who is dependent, frightened and themselves the victim of abuse, can remain silent and not even see or hear the abuse in order to maintain the desperately needed relationship with the abuser. In a way, it is a variation of the old saying, “Hear no evil, see no evil.” Well, people do hear it and see it and fail to act.PAS Monkeys - 2016

32d7c-denying2ba2bchild2bto2ba2bparent2bis2bevil2b-2b20162. Both abuser and spouse can be mentally ill people who collude out of mutually shared sadism. In others words, there are a few people who can get a sense of pleasure out of treating children abusively.

3. Over the years, I have known a few cases in which the wife has such a deep need to avoid sexual relations that they prefer their husband engage in Oedipal relations with a daughter. This is usually unconscious with full denial in operation.

4. Chronic and severe drug and alcohol abuse loosen inhibitions that otherwise sober and sensible people do things that would shock them if they were not under the influence of certain types of drugs.

5. There are parents who, having been raised in strict and abusive environments, then repeat the pattern once they are parents. Saddest thing in the world - 2016The vicious cycle of abuse is probably the major cause of domestic violence in the United States.

One of the distressing and utterly frustrating and despairing things that survivors of abuse discover as adults, is that their parents deny that anything ever happened.

Patients have reported to me that parents, when confronted by their adult child with the abuse they committed, tell their son or daughter that their memory is wrong.

It is natural to ask why an adult would now confront their parents about abusive acts that happened during childhood? Apparently, the answer is that these survivors are seeking an apology and an affirmative statement admitting their wrong doing. This is what makes the discussion so filled with despair for so many survivors.

Society Do Nothing - 2016.pngThe despair results not simply by the refusal of an apology, but the complete denial that anything happened. This is further exacerbated by the fact that neighbors and friends of the parents think them very “nice people” who would never do such a despicable thing as abuse a child.

When Joan Crawford’s daughter published the story of her childhood, a story that depicted Crawford’s cruel and outlandish acts of abuse, there was a public outcry that this never could have happened. Later, the outcry vanished when the truth and accuracy of the story emerged for the public to see.

Child support needs to catch up to reflect new roles for fathers, say experts | Children’s Rights | Civil Rights in Family Law Florida

Blogs Followed, Family Court Insanity, Fathers' Rights, Petitions, Presidential Election

No you can't see your daughter - 2016Pantomime - 3 Ring Circus - AFLA Blog - 2015Florida Child Support System Cyber Protest - 2016~ Facebook Event ~

Here are four of the most critical flaws of the current child-support system.

The system is outdated.

We need a winner - 2015The child-support system was originally a bipartisan policy reform designed to serve divorced parents who were steadily employed. But the system was established nearly 40 years ago, and is based on outdated stereotypes that viewed Mom as a housewife and Dad as the sole breadwinner.

The system makes it particularly tough on low-income fathers.

29 percent of families in the system live below the federal poverty line. Many fathers sincerely want to do right by their children, but simply don’t have the means to do so. That becomes a very slippery slope for a lot of dads.

Difficulties in the Family Courtroom

#StandupforZoraya #SayHerName, Blogs Followed, Family Court Insanity, Fathers' Rights, PAS is Child Abuse, Petitions, Presidential Election

custody players 2015

Individuals with either of these syndromes may be willing and able to lie in court in a fully convincing way.Stop Emotional Child Abuse Parental Alienation - 2015 Sometimes, their manipulative skills are so well developed that they are able to influence others to provide false testimony against the victimized parent.

They may run circles around opposing counsel. When accused of visitation interference, they often have what appear to be wonderful explanations for their behavior; some may even be accurate. For example: “I offered many times for him to see his daughter but he just doesn’t cooperate; every time he comes to pick up Billy, Billy cries and refuses to go: he never follows the schedule, your honor, no matter how hard I try. …”

What typically is left out of such testimony is the fact that the interfering parent is either lying or has manipulated the child or the situation to give a false impression that he or she is innocent of the charges.

Disparities in State Family Courts

If the interfering parent continues to violate successfully the visitation regulations, over time the victimized parent often becomes so emotionally and financially depleted that the case fades from the court’s purview. Unfortunately, outside of the courtroom, the visitation interference continues, often with increased strength.

Treat him as a human being and remember he’s not invulnerable. Men can run out of juice too.

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HOW TO TREAT HIM AS A HUMAN BEING

  1. Don’t be passive aggressive. Everybody hates that.

  2. Don’t be a drama queen. Everybody hates that too.

  3. Don’t nag him. Do you see a pattern?

  4. Don’t play the victim card all the time. Take responsibility for your actions.

  5. Have his back. He trusts you.
    If you stab him in the back, he won’t see it coming. This will break him.

  6. Show him how much you value him. Bake him a cake. Even something small and practical goes a long way (like a sandwich).

  7. Don’t be jealous and possessive. You don’t own him.

  8. Don’t spy on him. His communication devices are private, just like your own.

  9. Don’t send mixed signals. Yes means yes, no means no. How hard can it be?

  10. Don’t keep talking about things he doesn’t care about. Did you know that he doesn’t care about curtains?

  11. Be a teammate, not a burden. You need to bring value to the relationship.

  12. Don’t waste money. Stop buying shoes already!

  13. If something is bothering you, say it. Be direct. He’s no clairvoyant. And neither are you, by the way.

  14. Don’t ask him unanswerable questions, such as “Do I look fat in this?” You know there is no right answer.

  15. If you made a mistake, come clean right away and start working on fixing the damage you’ve done. Unless it’s tech-related, then stay as far away from it as possible.

  16. Let him be. He needs time for himself, time with his friends, time to stay quiet, time away from you.

  17. If you’re a stay at home mom, like I am, take good care of him, yourself and your children. That’s your job.

  18. Remember he’s not invulnerable. Men can run out of juice too. Be prepared to lead, provide guidance, protection, or support, as necessary.

  19. Remember his value is not directly proportional to how useful he is to you. He is his own person.

  20. Don’t make plans on his behalf, or without his input. There is no I in team.father_0

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