EX-WIVES WHO BECOME PARENTAL ALIENATORS

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WHEN EX-WIVES BECOME ALIENATORS

Guilty until Proven Innocent!

After reading the list, don’t get discouraged when you notice that some of your own behaviors have been alienating your ex-spouse. This is normal in even the best of parents. Instead, let the list help sensitize you to how you are behaving and what you are saying to your children. Here are common mistakes:

To prevent the devastating effects of Parental Alienation, you must begin by recognizing the symptoms of PA. You will notice that many of the symptoms or behaviors focus on the parent. When the child exhibits hatred and vilifies the targeted parent, then the condition becomes parental alienation syndrome. After reading the list, don’t get discouraged when you notice that some of your own behaviors have been alienating. This is normal in even the best of parents. Instead, let the list help sensitize you to how you are behaving and what you are saying to your children.

1. Giving children choices when they really have no choice about visits. Allowing the child to decide for themselves to visit when the court order says there is no choice sets up the child for conflict. The child will usually blame the non-residential parent for not being able to decide to choose whether or not to visit. The parent is now victimized regardless of what happens; not being able to see his children or if they see them, the children are angry. Again, if you do these things intentionally, it make give you a chuckle now knowing you are hurting your ex, but you are truly hurting your child who eventually grows up, learns how things work and turns their back on YOU in turn. In literally 90% of these cases, the parent who causes the problem ends up with the short stick.

2. Telling the child what you want them to think is “everything” about the marital relationship or ‘all’ reasons for the divorce is also alienating behavior. The parent usually argues that they are “just wanting to be honest” with their children. This practice is destructive and painful for the child. The alienating parent’s motive is for the child to think less of the other parent. In reality, the child always looks up to a parent. If that parent lets them down in person, then that parent suffers. If you are doing these things, you are in person and it is a let down. You will suffer eventually for these actions.

3. Refusing to acknowledge that children have property and may want to transport their possessions between residences. Doesn’t matter who bought who what. Once it is given to someone, it is theirs.

4. Resisting or refusing to cooperate by not allowing the other parent access to school or medical records and schedules of extracurricular activities. Telling professionals not to let the other parent have access is going to work against you. These professionals know what you are doing. They may humor you but they know the law. It is not yours to rewrite. So ‘behind’ your back, they will grant legally to the other parent whatever it is they need. Also note, if the opposing parent were so evil you felt they do not deserve access, why are they allowed to walk the street? It will backfire in a big way in time.

5. A parent blaming the other parent for financial problems, breaking up the family, changes in lifestyle, or having a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc. Just like when you hear someone else tell the same tale, the child may not know it yet, but in time, just like when you heard it, they will know you are an excuse maker.

6. Refusing to be flexible with the visitation schedule in order to respond to the child’s needs or other parent’s work schedule. The alienating parent may also schedule the children is so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visits. Of course we all know you do this so when the targeted parent protests you can described them as not caring and selfish. However, the child will eventually wise up that the complaining parent only wants to see them and you were the one conflicting the schedule.

7. Assuming that if a parent had been physically abusive with the other parent, it follows that the parent will eventually assault the child. This assumption is not always true. Sometimes you cause the other parent to dislike you and become abusive. Pretending this is not true does not change the facts.

8. Asking the child to choose one parent over another parent causes the child considerable distress. If you try to sneak in “Well, which of us would you rather be with?” you are looking for trouble. Typically, they do not want to reject either parent, but instead want to avoid the issue. The child, not the parent, should initiate any suggestion for change of residence.

9. Children will always at one time or another become angry with a parent. This is normal, particularly if the parent disciplines or has to say “no”. If for any reason the anger is not allowed to heal, you can suspect parental alienation. Trust your own experience as a parent. Children will forgive and want to be forgiven if given a chance. Be very suspicious when the child calmly says they cannot remember any happy times with you or say anything they like about you. That means someone at home is brainwashing them.

10. Be suspicious when a parent or step-parent raises the question about changing the child’s name. A mother can change her name back to maiden but in the majority of cases where the child is denied the father’s last name, the amount of further alienation is immeasurable. There is no other means that compares to show what is to come if a mother changes or denies the father’s name. It will not get better.

11. When children cannot give reasons for being angry towards a parent or their reasons are very vague without any details. This is because the alienated parent has done nothing to them. The child becomes confused but eventually realizes, it was all brain washing.

12. A parent having secrets, special signals, a private rendezvous, or words with special meanings are very destructive and reinforce an on-going alienation. Act your age before the child out grows you.

13. When a parent uses a child to spy or covertly gather information for the parent’s own use, the child receives a damaging message that demeans the victimized parent. Try this with a teenager and they may just switch homes on you.

14. Parents setting up temptations that interfere with the child’s visitation. Planning vacations or special events or trips to the mall to buy something they always wanted. Making the child late is another common mistake. As a full time parent, you can easily schedule things around the visiting parent. Learn to do so.

15. A parent suggesting or reacting with hurt or sadness to their child having a good time with the other parent will cause the child to withdraw and not communicate. They will frequently feel guilty or conflicted not knowing that it’s “okay” to admit they have fun with their other parent. Just as different breeds of dogs cannot mate, they still get along and realize it’s OK to be different. The faster you do this, the easier the rest of your life will become.

16. The parent asking the child about his/her other parent’s personal life causes the child considerable tension and conflict. Children who are not alienated want to be loyal to both parents. They also do not think of their parents in this light. Putting them there will push them away from you.

17. When parents pretend physically or psychologically rescue the children when there is no threat to their safety. This practice reinforces in the child’s mind the illusion of threat or danger, thereby reinforcing alienation until the child realizes the only fear is that of when you will pull this act again. You will scare them into leaving you.

18. Making demands on the other parent that is contrary to court orders. You are not the law and eventually the law will find out and the law will enforce itself, correct you and cause such embarrassment, it may cost you custody.

19. Listening in on the children’s phone conversation they are having with the other parent. They do not want you listening in when they speak to their friends and you do not. So do you not think they will find it bizarre if you suddenly insist on listening in on this particular conversation?

20. One way to cause your own alienation is making a habit of breaking promises to your children. Especially if they are promises that deter the child from giving affection or time to the other parent. In time, your ex-spouse will get tired of having to make excuses for you and the child will leave the truth.

You may think you know better or are more clever than those who have tried this before you, but trust us, you do not know better nor realize what you are doing.  Don’t believe it? Someone else agrees…..

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Infant bonding is not just a maternal issue

Blogs Followed, Family Court Insanity, Fathers' Rights, Presidential Election

 

The Birthright – Relating To Men

A very good friend and well-known advocate of the men’s rights movement recently dropped a video clip into my inbox and simply said, “watch this”. I knew it was important and he had my full attention.

It took only a minute for me to be tuned out from the world and into ‘Laugh After Pokes’, a rap song about Paternity Fraud. Not something you see or hear every day and so I was intrigued. It was immediately apparent that this was one man’s way of sharing his story in a frame that was tragic and yet a clearly cathartic outlet for sharing his creative love with his personal crusade to find out the paternal identity of a child. A child he was told could be his.

◊♦◊

I spoke with Dan Scott (Rapper turned Vlogger) to find out the full story and what circumstances led him to being denied confirmation if he was the paternal father of a child that he had not yet met. A baby girl, he believes to be born on or around 01/12/15.

This is not like any other story I have heard.

There can be little denial that if you have sex, there is a likelihood of conception. It’s a known risk that we mitigate with various forms of contraception and usually a level of trust that at least one of you is doing the right thing. Trust is usually where it goes pear shaped.

When we enter into a relationship and spend time with someone intimately we naturally develop a trust, often irrespective of our past history with others. This is the way it should be. We learn trust very early in our development (between 0-2 years) and at the same time we are developing bonds and attachments, all driven by Oxytocin, the hormone of love secreted to the brain. As nature would have it, we generate this same hormone after sex. We are after all, sexual beings.

When Dan entered into his relationship he naturally developed a level of trust. It wasn’t an ideal relationship, but there was love and attachment.

◊♦◊

On an occasion after having sex his girlfriend made a comment that threw him completely – “did you release your little soldiers? “ and Dan was instantly suspicious. “Was she trying to conceive?” But there was another nagging question spinning in his head. Was she already pregnant and trying to deflect responsibility to him for being the father. At the time, he wasn’t sure why he questioned that, Sometimes it’s hard to know how gut instinct drives our thoughts, but it’s alarms are always strong.I AM A DADDY - 2016

 

Change, applying to one’s life the wisdom and philosophy found everywhere.

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Change, the double-edged sword that’s worth mastering

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Eea981-gandhichangexcerpt:

The first thing I did when I doubted myself and my decision to take a new job and move to a new city was talk to people who know and care about me — my wife, family and friends.

They helped, but I also needed an expert on my career, so I reached out to my old boss. He met me at a diner after work and gave me so much good advice that I wrote it down and referred to it often in those early weeks.

Fortune favors the bold

Simply thinking about past challenges in which you came out on top — or at the very least unscathed — is a reminder that you will do so this time as well. There’s also that old linguistic chestnut that the Chinese word for “crises” is also “opportunity.” (It’s true, by the way.) Sometimes our greatest difficulties become our greatest moments of triumph.

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This essay is part of a column called “The Wisdom Project” by David Allan, editorial director of CNN Health and Wellness. The series is on applying to one’s life the wisdom and philosophy found everywhere, from ancient texts to pop culture. You can follow David at @davidgallan


WWLP.com

(CNN) — In the 1989 James Cameron film “The Abyss,” an underwater crew is faced with a dangerous rescue operation in a deep-sea trench.

At those depths, the pressure is so great that the Navy invents a (fictional, for the film) diving suit filled with oxygenated water that relieves the pressure but requires breathing water through the lungs.

To demonstrate how it works, a Navy SEAL submerges a rat into a small container of the oxygenated water. The rat thrashes frantically (thinking it is drowning) but soon is able to swallow the water and get the oxygen it needs to survive.

“She’s diggin’ it,” the Navy SEAL says.

“She’s doin’ it, she ain’t diggin’ it,” replies the rat’s owner, insisting his pet be freed.

When I began a new job six months ago, I was that rat.

Like many people at new jobs, I had to quickly learn the ropes…

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